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SAVE THIS COUNTRY [Nov. 2nd, 2006|01:38 pm]
For my final post to this column, I’m going to do something I never thought I’d do as a former Republican. I am asking you to vote Democratic this November 7th. I am asking you to literally save the future of this country by voting the Republican idiocracy out of the House of Representatives and the Senate.

The Republicans, lead by the quasi-retarded George Bush and the black hearted, unspeakably evil Dick Cheney, have the reverse midas touch in the 21st century. They have completely reversed what a “traditional” Republican stood for: fiscal responsibility and a hatred of big government. Our debt is way beyond control and our government is just a few small steps away from mutating into a full blown Orwellian nightmare. To say nothing of the unconscionable hubris displayed after our botched invasion of Iraq and the relentless torrent of lies spewing from the multi-billion dollar a year Republican spin machine. These people need to be flushed out of D.C. and the Republican party desperately needs to get its collective shit together.

I’m asking you to vote Democrat across the line. Send a clear message to the fucking idiots ruining this great country. We need a change across the board, at the local, state and federal level. The Republicans have failed the American people time and time again since Bush took office. They destroyed our reputation internationally. They have given extremists thousands of reasons to hate us and want to kill us all. They have made us appear bigoted, irrational, arrogant and uncaring. They have set us firmly down the path of self destruction, but we can change course if we want. It is up to us.

Save this country. Vote Democrat on November 7th.
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Luckily, none of them made it out of the bar alive. [Oct. 23rd, 2006|09:39 pm]


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(no subject) [Jul. 26th, 2006|07:45 pm]
I’m pretty sure that if Jesus is around right now, he’s slumped over a bar sucking down shot after shot of whiskey, glaring bleary eyed at a flickering television set in a corner. The television is rife with death and laser guided bombs and rockets annihilating residential buildings and dazed, bloody civilians wandering through the rubble screaming “God why? Why God why us, why my mother, my father, my sister, my brother, my wife, my husband, my little dog who never hurt anyone in their lives, why now?”

And Jesus is poised to hurl his whiskey glass through the flickering television to make it cease its infernal jabbering before he thinks better of it and sits back down to order another shot.


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JC we hardly knew ye! [May. 31st, 2006|09:34 pm]
I don't know if you believe all that crap in the Bible about Jesus always being a peaceloving savior who preached tolerance, healed the sick and sacrificed himself for the sake of us miserable losers. Jesus didn't fuck around. Take for example the time he freaked out and went totally berzerk on the money changers in the temple. Motherfucker whooped so much God damn ass he had THREE of his disciples write about it (Matthew 21:12, Mark 11:15, John 2:8 for real yo)!

Can you imagine how unbelievably pissed off Jesus would be if he saw the shit going down today? Maybe when he arrived on Earth he'd take a good look around and just call off Judgement Day. Maybe he'd say "fuck this, fuck humanity, fuck the Heavenly Host and fuck Satan, I'm sick and tired of this shit. I'm a man, I have needs, I'm all powerful and immortal and I'm gonna have me a good time before the whole shithouse goes up in flames..."




P.S. If my flight to Boston crashes next week I'll know that unfortunately God does not have a sense of humor.
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Jesus Freak [May. 10th, 2006|07:28 pm]
In addition to writing anti-Republican screeds and ugly stories about alcoholism and
drug abuse, I also enjoy drawing. Before corporate America crushed my soul and
emotionally crippled me, I wanted to draw comic books for a living. Honestly if I
could get paid to draw I'd never leave the office. I would gleefully be chained to
a drawing board for life, furiously scribbling away, pausing only to eat, drink, and
once in awhile masturbate in a corner.

Maybe that's what Satan will do to me after God sees the below drawings. I'll get
hit by the M23 bus and spend eternity chained to a razor-wire covered, firey hot,
acid engulfed drawing board doodling:

The Adventures of Bitter Jesus

Part I

Part II

Artistic commentary
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I am mentally ill [May. 8th, 2006|09:42 pm]
Or so I've been told by friends and family. The below links to a few of my pictures probably prove it. I plan on sumbitting these as evidence when I plead insanity at a future trial. Then, after the conviction, I'll spend the rest of my days kicking back in an insane asylum where I'm fed baby food and narcotics at regular intervals.

Everybody's gotta have a dream.





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I'm about to have a reenactment of Red Dawn in my office [Mar. 28th, 2006|07:07 pm]
So we've got this new fucking Russian guy named Michael Kueller in my office (goes by the nickname of Mitch) who is supposed to be our QA lead. He speaks broken English like a retarded 4 year old and apparently has no sense of humor whatsoever (I guess years of having nothing to eat but shoe leather after the collapse of communism will do that to a guy). Anyway we've all been working our asses off testing this new code and we've found 2000 bugs (ouch). We have this system we log all the bugs into and I noticed this new Russian guy logged ticket # 2000 in our bug tracking system. So I write an email to the team:

Congrats to "Mitch" Kueller for landing lucky ticket #2000.

Just to lighten things up because we're all working hard / late hours. And this vodka-for-breakfast sucking assface writes back:

Alex I will appreciate you will use my first name not my Internet nick in business e-mails.

then cc's the whole world on it.

As far as I'm concerned, that is the office equivalent of Russian forces dropping out of the sky and shooting the shit out of my history teacher. When I kill this douchebag and restore democracy to the free world I'm spray painting "Wolverines" on his bloated corpse before I kick it out the 9th floor window.

P.S: Don't tell me I'm fucking overreacting.

P.P.S: Yes I know its been awhile and this post is just an email I sent out to my friends (believe it or not I do have friends, most of whom owe me money for dope). But I am working on getting my shit together and getting a few funny pictures up on this site as well as new material. In the mean time, if you want to know which member of the Wolverines resistance you'd be, take the following quiz:


(I am Robert the Exterminator - go figure. For those of you who have never seen the 1983 first PG-13 rated all American cold war classic Red Dawn starring Charlie Sheen, Patrick Swayze, C Thomas Howell amd Lea Thompson, go pick this DVD up pronto, you truly don't know what great filmmaking is!)
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New Year's Evil Resolutions [Dec. 30th, 2005|12:34 pm]
This one is gonna be quick, no sense in wasting any God damn time when I'm this hungover at work. I started my New Year's partying 2 days early and was out boozing in the East Village until fuck knows when. Thank God for Tums and Vicodin. If I can just get through this workday without vomiting on anyone, my 5 year streak will remain unbroken and 2005 will have been a success from both a personal and professional standpoint.

Everyone's gotta have a few New Year's Resolutions, or so common wisdom dictates. You're supposed to embrace resolutions which will make you a better person, self-actualized, altruistic, all that hopeless
horseshit. My resolutions on the other hand will be realistic, somewhat goal oriented and will help to keep me alive for another year. Here they are, in no particular order:

1) No more fruity drinks.
For some reason late at night when I'm drunk I find myself ordering these sweet tasting, super sugary
fancy pants drinks which hurl me over the edge into blackouts and induce horrific hangovers the next
day. My current hangover is the result of sucking down too many "El Chubacabras" (translation: Mexican
Goat Sucker). In 2006 I stick with Jack Daniels and Kettle One Vodka. Fruity drinks are truly the bane
of alcoholics everywhere.

2) Start writing vaguely threatening letters to members of Congress.
This one is fairly self explanatory. I'll just send them strongly worded letters to help bitch slap
those stupid white old men into shape. Most of them are just asshole lawyers with connections who
desperately need a reminder that THEY WORK FOR US and that their incompetence and corruption destroys
innocent lives and weakens one of the greatest nations on earth.

3) Reduce expenditures on pornography.
God damn the internet. My monthly porno bills are starting to match my student loan payments. I may have
to tear my cable modem out of the back of my computer to stick to this one.

4) Do more with Downmarketguru
My posts are sporadic, barely intelligable rage-fueled tantrums. They need to be much less sporadic. I
also need to get some of my comics (like "Bitter Jesus" and "Lobotomy Boy") up on this thing somehow as
they are angrier and more offensive than most of my columns. I don't pull any punches with my comics.

5) Start paying my taxes
I've been pretty bad about this one for the past decade. I know that in addition for being monitored by
the government for subversive activities, I'm also on some IRS shit list for not giving those black
hearted bastards their pound of flesh. It has nothing to do with my abject disgust for the sleazy
administration currently squatting in our White House or some lofty protest against using taxpayer money
for Bush's vendetta against Iraq. I'm just a cheap, lazy motherfucker who can't take the time to fill
out a tax return and cut our government a check. Well, no more. From now on I'm going to hire an
accountant to take care of such menial shit at least once every 3 or 4 years.

6) Adopt a new motto
My current motto, "You're all worthless and weak," isn't generating the sort of relationship building
with my fellow humans as I'd hoped. My new motto will be more self-empowering.

7) Go long whiskey, guns and gold
Anyone who's purchased equities, bonds or a new home in the past few years needs to sell immediately.
When Bush bankrupts this country and Government securities are reduced to junk status, anyone who's in
the financial markets will be jumping out of highrises left and right (and yes, if you own a house these
days you are definitely in the financial markets. Your fucking McMansion is not worth $1.3 million.
Learn a lesson from Japan circa 1991 and sell before the bubble explodes in your face). Gold has enjoyed
record highs this year; this trend will continue in 2006 and we'll see massive spikes in whiskey and
firearms purchases. I'm getting in on the ground floor by establishing positions in cases of Jameson and
Jack Daniels as well as Barelli shotguns. Then I plan on diversifying into imported Absinthe from the
Czech Republic and German made submachineguns.

8) Pray for the excrutiatingly painful death of Rev. Pat Robertson.
Every day.

9) Avoid being arrested
2004 was tough because I ran afoul of the law and ended up doing a little bit of time in the pokey. I
wrote about it in one of my Downmarketguru columns. I also got into a little trouble in 2002, 2000 and
1998 (those are tales for another time). In 2006 I will break my "even year curse" and NOT GET ARRESTED.

10) Do fewer prescription drugs and more illegal ones
I'm fucking sick and tired of seeing these random drug commercials on TV trying to get me hooked on some
new pill for some bullshit "symptoms." I'm sick and tired of taking my daily meds, court mandate be
damned. I don't need Prozac and Trezadone and fucking Wellbutrin, I need pot and the occasional hit of E
and a few bags of mushrooms (for spiritual purposes). These drugs are only illegal because fucking Merck
and Pfizer aren't making them.

Well that about sums it up. I think these resolutions are attainable and will make me a better person in
2006. Any resolutions from anyone out there? Let me know, I'm all ears. Happy New Year y'all!
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“Uh… NOW we have a plan!” [Dec. 1st, 2005|12:38 pm]
If I was stuck in Iraq I’d be really fucking pissed off right now.

Not simply because it’s the holiday season and I’d be sitting thousands of miles away in a sandy shithole where I can’t get a decent beer wondering just what the fuck it is I’m doing there, if the next time I go out on patrol I’ll get my head blown off by a sniper or IED, or if I’m going to get adequate medical coverage and a job when I return home (whenever that would be).

No. I’d be really pissed off because two and a half years after an illegal invasion of another country, thousands of my fellow soldiers dead, tens of thousands of innocent civilians dead and billions of dollars blown, our commander in chief and his cronies have put together a “strategy for victory” way too late.

When that awful jackass Bush flew on to the deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln on May 1st, 2003, he couldn’t wait to pat himself on the back for having done such a great job declaring war on Iraq. I’m sure Cheney, Rummy, Wolfie and rest of the toadies were popping champagne back in Washington as Bush strode to the podium beneath the “Mission Accomplished” sign and declared “an end to major combat” in Iraq. Because this was supposed to be a “feel good” war done on the cheap. After the Iraqi army disbanded, we were gonna get Saddam, we were gonna re-build the country, we were gonna get all that oil and everything was gonna be hunky dory.

I’m not going to waste anyone’s time citing statistics. Even the most right wing Republicans can see that the war is in shambles and everyone else can see that Bush and company have, through a lack of foresight, planning, or a basic understanding of what they were dealing with, totally botched the job.

A friend of mine returned from Iraq in September and we spoke at length of just what is going on over there. He told me that there is a definite media bias that does not show that we’ve made some good progress in Iraq. He said that morale is flagging and that many soldiers think that America has forgotten about them. He told me that Iraqi security forces don’t pay attention to American commanders because neither speak each others language, and drills aren’t effective when using translators. He told me stories of Iraqi security forces on primary perimeter sleeping on the job. He told me that the only soldiers that get any respect from Iraqi security forces are the Baathists who previously served under Saddam; when those fuckers walk into a room, everyone’s spines straighten. He told me that when it comes to any sort of reconstruction project over there, corruption is rampant and money evaporates.

Is the war in Iraq unwinnable? No. It can’t be because we have too much at stake. We can’t just pull out and leave Iraq to completely self destruct. We have sacrificed too much and America would lose any shred of confidence anyone has left in us. But God damn do we need a regime change at home. Bush has shown that he is a terrible commander in chief, an ego-maniac, a hypocrite, a lying, self-deluded sack of crap hiding behind that bullshit religious façade while sending our troops, our countrymen, our neighbors, our friends to their deaths. It is impossible to conclusively say that these deaths and others may have been avoided had our president and his pack of jackals actually done their homework before declaring war instead of endlessly invoking the specter of September 11th (which we all know Iraq had nothing to do with), fabricating “evidence” and browbeating Congress into authorizing the invasion. But when he stood there before America on the deck of that aircraft carrier, the gleam of arrogance through a lifetime of uncontested privilege shining in those beady eyes and told us that major combat operations were over, it clearly illustrates that then men who planned this war didn’t have a fucking clue what they’d gotten us all into.

A year ago when America was gripped in the throes of the elections, a lot of people went around quoting the adage: “you don’t change a horse mid-stream.” Well if that horse is lame and going in the wrong God damn direction, you not only change horses, you sell the old one to the glue factory. We’ve also heard a lot of “America will stay the course” coming from the Bush regime. What course is that? Continued lies and broken promises? The inability to stop overseas funding of terrorism? Allowing Afghanistan and Iraq to further plunge into violent chaos? Transforming the world wide sympathy America had in the wake of September 11th into hatred? Or the plummeting approval ratings Bush faces because Americans have woken up and realized that he in fact has no “strategy for victory” and never did?

Mr. Bush, pulling your head out of your ass to view this war in all its terrible reality almost three years too late is nothing short of disgraceful. It would be great if the U.S. could take a page from the Canadian government (you won’t hear me say that too often) and kickstart the process for a vote of no confidence, but unfortunately that’s about as likely as Bush being honest about the terrible mistakes (and lies) he’s made thus far in Iraq. So now we have a “strategy for victory”? That’s just great, I’m fucking jumping for joy over here.

"You show the world you're not living by the principles you profess to believe in, and you lose all credibility," – Iraqi journalist, 11/30/05
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Ride a White Mare at the Footsteps of Doom [Oct. 27th, 2005|07:18 pm]
A bunch of months back, I went off on a screed in the Downmarketguru column that ended with "The United States of America will be a third world nation in less than 10 years."
I'd like to revise that statement to: "The United States of America will resemble a third world nation by the time the Bush administration is finished with us."

You don't believe me? Take a look at New Orleans 2 months after Katrina kicked the shit out of that great city. Fine, we all know FEMA totally fucked that up because of good old "Brownie" and other jackasses appointed by the Bush regime, more classic examples of Bush's incompetent cronies sucking on the political underbelly of this country like bloated leeches
(the sense of entitlement these people have is beyond belief - of course Bush should be able to allow a former Arabian horse judge to head up a government agency tasked to respond to disasters and terrorist attacks).

There are still horror stories popping up all over the Gulf states, corpses being fished out of trees, emaciated dogs chewing on dead babies, one of America's oldest cities barely functioning on shoestring budget life support. But FEMA fucked up again with Rita and yet again with Wilma. As I write these words millions of people are still without power and some without shelter in Florida and no one in our government seems to give a shit. When I was growing up only South America had problems like this. Only narco-terrorist states like Columbia or economically destitute countries like Argentina would let their citizens drown or starve en mass after mud slides or hurricanes weeks and months after the destruction had ended.

"Come on Alex, the Bush administration can't control freakin' hurricanes and Bush went on TV to take responsibility so why don't you lay off," you might say. Fair enough, it's an obvious shot. Besides, Bush took personal responsibility for these failures and promptly lost interest after the press got off his back (plus I'm sure the scandals were a distraction) so we'll move on to issues like national secuirty. Pretty important stuff, especially in the post-9/11 world right? So why are elements of his cabinet leaking confidential information about our CIA operatives? Why have we not stopped the flow of arms and money to terrorists around the world? Speaking of which, why the fuck haven't we found and killed Osama Bin Laden? He and his fucking lieutenants are on my TV and radio every other week railing against the U.S. and Israel, screaming jihad and we still have no idea where these guys are 4 years later? Fantastic job the Bush administration has done on this front. Did these jackasses take a wrong turn at Pakistan and accidentally invade Iraq? Oh wait... I forgot about all that 'evidence' Bush's token Colin Powell presented that justified the invasion so long ago. Holy shit do I feel safe every time I take the Lexington Ave. express. And I'm sure that when terrorists do finally strike that FEMA and the rest of the dipshits in charge will do a really good job cleaning up the bodies and rubble months after the fact.

"Well," you might say, "We are still a mighty nation with the most advanced Army the world and no group of corrupt leaders can take that away from us." I'm pretty sure that's what the Romans said thousands of years ago. Actually our armed forces are stretched to the breaking point in Iraq and no number of unmanned UAVs can salvage a nonexistent war plan while tens of thousands of our soldiers are maimed and just under a thousand are killed each year. Not having enough money to buy them replacement equipment is also a hell of a morale booster- so is the rolling deployment schedule because our leaders have no fucking idea how they're going to 'end' the war or even pull our troops out. The war in Iraq is a gaping black hole for the lives of thousands of G.I.'s and innocent civilians as well as billions of dollars. Meanwhile real threats like North Korea and Iran are working their asses off to develop nukes and all we can do is bark at them like some fucking castrated dog chained to a tree.

"Yeah but we're still an economic superpower," you may retort weakly. Want to talk purchasing power and inflation? Ho boy, just you wait. In February when consumer confidence has plummeted to an all time low because average middle class folks can't afford to heat their homes due to skyrocketing oil prices while Bush and Cheney are swimming in payoffs and oil stock dividends (when they're not sucking Saudi Arabian cock), we'll see how economically stable you feel. But hey, the government will make everything better by issuing even more debt to build fucking bridges that lead to nowhere in Alaska as an 'economic stimulus package' because foreign governments are stupid and will buy that debt and our taxes will service the interest on that debt! Why not, that's all us citizens are good for right? Besides, Bush knows everything about business - after all he did run two oil companies into the ground! But here's the kicker, Americans are more unpopular overseas now than they were during the Vietnam era. No one wants to buy American products because they don't want to support us, or be identified with us on any level. And I'm not talking about Turkey or Jordan, I'm talking about England and Germany. That wasn't such a big deal back in the 1970's because we were essentially a closed economy. Now thanks to the 'global village' economy that ain't the case. We are addicted to imports. This scares me because this country's economy has been coasting on consumer spending and ridiculously overvalued housing prices. Guess what? The party is WAAAAAY over folks: there are empty, broken bottles everywhere, the goldfish are floating belly up in the tank, someone has puked in the kitchen sink, the carpets stink of piss and you can't even imagine what the bathroom looks like.

"OK, but he's only got 2 years left on his term, how much more damage can he do?" you may ask. That statement assumes that a) Bush doesn't hack the Constitution to pieces to allow himself to rig a 3rd term election or b) that heartless evil cyborg bastard Dick Cheney rigs a 1st term election win in 2008. And with Bush trying to fill the 2 vacancies in the Supreme Court with right wing religious losers or lap dogs, who fucking knows what could happen. These idiots can still ruin this country in under 2 years, and from my perspective they're pulling out all the stops to do it. Cut federal funding for schools to pay for the seemingly endless war in Iraq? Get mutual fund companies to run Social Security? Hey why not turn NASA over to the church? Get Pfizer and Merck to run Medicare? Outsource Homeland Security to Halliburton and Corrections Corporation of America? Bush has shown he can do anything and everything he wants and there isn't a God damn thing you or I can do about it. And even if we could do anything we'd probably have our doors kicked down in the middle of the night by a bunch of brownshirt goons and thrown in jail under the Patriot Act.

Our current leaders are a disgrace. The George W. Bush administration will be remembered as the worst, most corrupt, incompetent and lethally damaging to the United States of America across every imaginable scale since the Hoover administration... and at least that dumbass fuck managed to get a pretty solid dam built.

One last thing before you write me off as some bleeding heart liberal assface- I am a registered Republican and I work on Wall Street.
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